It has been a month now with no anti-depressants!!!! And, I haven't even thought about killing myself. I never did. When a doctor decides that you have depression they ask you all the time if you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself or others. I never did, not once.

The brain zaps are less frequent and less disorienting when they occur. Its so much easier to function when you don't feel like someone is trying to push you over ever time you move your head.

The feet are lass sweaty, only on occasion. The palms are less clammy. Bowels are still good, libido has calmed down a little.

It is an amazing feeling to have your mind back. Although I have realized that the drugs were masking or numbing my feelings about everyday situations: my ex and I breaking up, my son's performance in school, how I feel about normal things. So now it is time to process that. I am keeping a journal because I am a writer when things are bothering me. Those of you who know me, know this.

Sorry, but I am not going to post those provate thoughts online to share. It is my way of internally processing my thoughts, feelings, reactions to those issues. They aren't so much issues, just things that have an impact that have been ignored...

But the exciting thing is that I feel I have done it. One month, no drugs, no issues beyond the normal getting upset, laughing, sad, when it is appropriate to do it. I don't need to drug myself to function throughout the day. I don't know if people really need to do that, but I do know that I don't.

Wish me luck! If I don't have the opportunity to post again before Christmas, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Ok, it has officially been one week since I have had any medications for depression, anxiety, panic or sleeping. It is going good.

I am still having brain zappy feelings that run through my entire body. However, there are also several other things that I have noticed...honestly, I am not sure if they are withdrawals or just things about myself that I never noticed until recently.

For one, my feet are sweating almost non-stop. It is November and I am wearing my flip-flops. Every time I put socks on or any close toed shoes it is almost unbearable. My feet have never sweat before without doing some sort of activity (cheer leading, rock climbing, ect). For some reason this development really worries me.

With hot sweaty feet comes cold clammy hands. I am not sure what this is about either. Also, my entire body feels sore. This might be because I have been sleeping more, but it feels like I have the flu. I have been popping my back since I was in high school and I have noticed since I stopped taking the meds that I pop easier and more. Perhaps I am more relaxed.

This is gross to mention, but I must....my bowels are more regular. I had my gallbladder removed about 12 years ago and had never been regular since. When I mean regular I would go a week without having any sort of movement. It got worse when I was on the anti-depressants. I never took anything for it because I didn't want to add another medication. But in the past week my bowels are moving daily. Honestly, I really like it. I truly believe my body is cleaning itself out. Before, when it had been a couple of days, my body just felt toxic. Now it doesn't. It is really strange.

My lips and face go through varies stages of feeling numb on and off all day. Like when you are getting buzzed from drinking too much, that is what it feels like.

My libido is insane. Every nerve ending in my body seems super sensitive and alive and is dying to be touched. I haven't felt this way sexually in years, I imagine it is somewhat how a teenage boy feels....if that is any indication.

I am sleeping better. For the first few days I had really bad nightmares. Fortunately I love to dream and it wasn't really an issue. The past night or two my dreams are back to being cryptically normal.

Everything I eat seems to taste the same although I am craving salty foods. I have been eating a lot of tater tots, chili and pizza lately.

I can drive safely. If I feel that my concentration is not what it should be I take an extra second and an extra look. So that is ok.

Originally I was thinking I wouldn't look for a new job for a couple of weeks, to see how this would pan out. However, I have noticed when I am busy and my mind is on something else the brain zaps aren't that bad. So I think that I should go back to work. Luckily I have a job interview tomorrow for a position that I think that I will really like and be really good at.

Wish me luck and I will keep you posted!!!! Tara

A whole new topic

It has been an incredibly long time since I posted. Mostly because I didn't really have one thing to write about and I am not so sure that I would want to read some random person's daily life, I don't always want to read about my life.

So much has happened, none of which is terribly important. But I have finally found something I need to blog about, something that I think others may be interested in, something that may just help someone.

About 5 years ago I started taking anti-depressants for ...well...depression. I was in college at the time, had a full load of classes and taking care of my son all by myself. I am a single parent so that was nothing new. The new thing about the situation was that my support system was 50 miles away. It was a hard time, I cried for no reason, couldn't deal with going to classes, barely got out of bed some days to take care of my boy.

So I finally decided to seek help, not just for me but for my son. I went to the school mental health office on a walk in appointment, started seeing a counselor that day. But I wanted a quick fix, I wanted to get back to my life. So the counselor had me go see a doctor at the school who prescribed me my first anti-depressant.

I hated the idea of being on medication to live my life. But I was okay with it on a temporary basis. The first anti-depressant I was on was Lexapro. It worked fairly well for about a year and I was ready to be done with it. But then I started not sleeping for more that 3-4 hours a day. I was up all night. I went back to the doctor and was prescribed Xanax to help me sleep. I went from sleeping from 3-4 hours a day to only being awake for 3-4 hours a day. This was not going to work for me.

Again, I went back to the doctor. I was still in college at the time and paying all my fees, so seeing a doctor or getting the prescriptions was not expensive at all. I am honestly not sure if I went from Lexapro to something else or from Lexapro to Effexor XR. But that is what I was recently taking.

I have mixed feelings about Effexor XR. I worked great almost immediately. I was functioning, going to school, sleeping fine, taking care and playing with my son. But something was missing. I didn't question that too much because everything else was going so well.

I graduated school, got a job with great benefits and continued on with life. All was going great until about March of this year. That is when the panic attacks started. I would be taking a shower and all of a sudden need to sit down because my chest was hurting so bad. Oddly, I knew it was a panic attack and not a heart attack or anything so I took a few deep breaths, got out of the shower and called in sick to work. The panic attack was still happening, but I was ok. I didn't go back to work for 2 months.

During that time, I went back to the doctor who wanted me to see a psychiatrist who could help monitor my medications better. I told that doctor that I wasn't sleeping well, I would wake up in the middle of the night for hours at a time, I was constantly tired, didn't really care about ever going back to work, was still having panic attacks/anxiety attacks on a daily basis. The psychiatrist prescribed a series of medications to help with all these different symptoms.

Alpraxolam to help me sleep (Xanax), Trazadone for the panic attacks, Clonazepam for anxiety and finally Mirtazapine for a combination of things that I can't recall. When I first took the Mirtazapine I felt the brain zaps within the first day.

Brain zaps, electrical shocks through out your body, numbness and tingling, dizziness. All with one little pill. It feels like your mind can't stay in sync with what the rest of your body is doing. Reading was difficult, you would move your eyes across the words, your mind would recognize that but your eyes were a millisecond behind. I did a little research on that drug and stopped taking it immediately, after 2 doses.

Eventually, much to the chagrin of my doctor, I stopped taking all the other drugs besides the Effexor. My body felt toxic. I was more unhappy about having to take all these drugs that I was about how I felt without them.

I went back to work and things were ok for about 4 months. During that time I was talking to my psychiatrist about weening off the medications altogether. I don't consider myself a health nut or anything, but there has got to be a better way to live than having to drug yourself to function throughout the day....doesn't there? My doc and I agreed that I would stay on my current dose of 300mg a day for several months then re-examine the situation. If I didn't have any panic attacks and was sleeping ok she would be supportive of my desire to ween off the drugs. This is one issue I have with doctors when it comes to this, they just want to shove a pill down your throat and really don't care if that is what you want or not.

Then the panic attacks came back. I realized the panic attacks were not related to my depression, they were related to my high stress job. I began the long paperwork process to take short term disability leave. This was at the beginning of October.

I felt fine when I wasn't at my job or thinking about my job. Although I financially can't afford it, I quit my job. That is when I realized what issues I truly was going to have with the Effexor.

With my health benefits I was paying $20 a month for the prescription. Without health insurance the cost was above $250 a month. Outrageous!!!! So, again I call my doctor. She called in a prescription for Celexa. I was to take 1/2 a 40 mg tablet at bedtime for 3 days, then a full one. I had just taken my last dose of Effexor and was going to begin taking the Celexa that night.

This was last Monday, Nov 3rd. On the morning of the 4th I was fine. I took my son to school (he is now in 6th grade in middle school), I voted, I had a job interview and everything was fine. Until about 2pm. At that point I was 3 hours past the time I normally took the Effexor.

The brain zaps were back and worse than ever. I couldn't stand for very long, I wanted to sleep. I thought it was the Celexa, it was the new thing in the situation. I only took 2 - 1/2 doses of that before I stopped taking anti-depressants altogether.

I have not had any anti-depressants since 11pm on Tuesday Nov 4. Last week was difficult. The numbness and tingling were horrible. I was having nightmares, my hands would be freezing while my feet would be sweating. I couldn't believe that those 2 small doses of Celexa did that to me.

At the time my internet wasn't working, but I managed to send an email to a girlfriend about how I was feeling. My girlfriend, who believes there is a better way to live without drugging yourself, did some research for me. It wasn't the Celexa side effects I have been feeling, it was the withdrawals from the Effexor.

Home Issues....Literally

On Christmas Eve in 2007 I discovered a water leak. After some panicking, figuring out how to turn off the water and leaving several messages with 24 hour emergency plumbers, I called in for a claim under my homeowners insurance. Within 2 hours there was a plumber and a contractor at my house. Apparently someone tapped the line for the ice maker into the supply line for my bathroom. It leaked, ran across the underneath of the floor, down a wall, and went along the metal 'I' support beam that runs long ways in my lower level. The carpet was damaged where the water stopped flowing and started dripping.

So repairs started this week. It wasn't a bad leak, I didn't think there was much damage. Repairs are more expensive than you think. Its almost as bad as repairs to a vehicle. So expensive. But it is necessary.

Repairs are a pain. The house is all out of sorts because everything is moved around and I don't feel that I can properly clean because it won't really do much good. The wallpaper in the kitchen came down, the contractor did a great job removing the glue that remained. The vinyl floor in the kitchen must be replaced. The vanity and counter top in the bathroom will need to be replaced. Luckily the area that was damaged downstairs wasn't so bad, just a little bit of drywall repair, paint and carpet cleaning. So, it could be much worse. But I don't feel like cleaning much while the house is in disarray. It will look great when it is done. I will try to take some before and after pictures before it progresses much further.

I bought this house last year, I wanted a place for my son to grow up and a neighborhood to romp around. Well, he doesn't get along very well with the other boys in the neighborhood who have been here since they could walk. But I hope our second summer will be better. Ok, so that was a random thought.

Look for pictures.

This is my first post on any blog, let alone one that I created. I imagine that it will become sort of a diary, where I share random thoughts about things I am going through and how I feel about that. Not that I imagine anyone but me will care, but I think it will be good for my own sanity.

So, how should I start every new entry? "Dear Diary" seems cheesy and childish. I could simply say something like "Hello," but that is too simple for the sometimes complex things I have bouncing around in my head. I think I will just play it by ear and start with however the mood for the day strikes me.

Something about myself that those who may stumble upon this blog should know:
~I work full time, am a single mom, I own my own home. I don't have any spare time but am doing this blog for me. Lots of parents forget about themselves, I don't want to do that. I do tend to babble from time to time, so I will apologize for that right now.

Its strange, I thought that I would start typing and topics would come to me. Suddenly I find myself feeling shy. What is too much to share about oneself to people I will never know? Are there topics off limits? I would prefer that there be no profanity used, but knowing myself the way that I do, that won't last long, there are situations that really need a cuss word. I don't really want to have the type of blog that is dedicated to one topic, like movies or child care, so I think this will really become what the title suggests....I'm just making my way through life.

Today is the first Sunday of 2008. What happened to 2007? It seems like time is moving faster and no matter what you try to do to slow time down it persists. Time is a relentless thing that doesn't listen to anyone. I suppose it is good that there are things in this world that man cannot change and control, yet. I hope that time travel stays in the science fiction stories.

I have been at my current job for almost 2 years. This is the longest I have had the same job since I was of working age. I don't like to work, I don't think anyone really does. I hate being an adult sometimes and feel that it is unfair that adulthood and responsibilities were not a decision that I made but something that was forced upon me. Who decided we had to grow up? Who decided that the most important thing in life was to work simply to pay the bills? Maybe that is what I hate about being an adult, that I work simply to pay the bills. When the bills get paid, they come for your money again next month. When will I get to enjoy the money that I make? I hope to become one of those people who is wise with their spending. I don't really have any debt other than the typical mortgage, car payment and student loan. I have one credit card that I will have paid off by May. The credit card will then go into a safe place and will be used for emergencies only.

That is my 2008 New Year's Resolution, to become better with money. I plan to pay off that one credit card and start saving money. Who knows, perhaps I will even start investing.

Of course I have more than one resolution for 2008. I don't think of the others as a backup plan but of a "to do" list for the year. Here is my list:
1. Be better with money
2. Plan time for myself. Like I said, I have a full house and need time for me. Because my time is restricted, I think I will work on Saturday mornings for me time.
3. Spend more time with my son. He will be 12 in February and I miss the time he and I had when it was just the two of us.

So, more on everything later. This is a sample of what I will be talking about. Random things to make my way through life. 2008 is going to be a great year!