A whole new topic

It has been an incredibly long time since I posted. Mostly because I didn't really have one thing to write about and I am not so sure that I would want to read some random person's daily life, I don't always want to read about my life.

So much has happened, none of which is terribly important. But I have finally found something I need to blog about, something that I think others may be interested in, something that may just help someone.

About 5 years ago I started taking anti-depressants for ...well...depression. I was in college at the time, had a full load of classes and taking care of my son all by myself. I am a single parent so that was nothing new. The new thing about the situation was that my support system was 50 miles away. It was a hard time, I cried for no reason, couldn't deal with going to classes, barely got out of bed some days to take care of my boy.

So I finally decided to seek help, not just for me but for my son. I went to the school mental health office on a walk in appointment, started seeing a counselor that day. But I wanted a quick fix, I wanted to get back to my life. So the counselor had me go see a doctor at the school who prescribed me my first anti-depressant.

I hated the idea of being on medication to live my life. But I was okay with it on a temporary basis. The first anti-depressant I was on was Lexapro. It worked fairly well for about a year and I was ready to be done with it. But then I started not sleeping for more that 3-4 hours a day. I was up all night. I went back to the doctor and was prescribed Xanax to help me sleep. I went from sleeping from 3-4 hours a day to only being awake for 3-4 hours a day. This was not going to work for me.

Again, I went back to the doctor. I was still in college at the time and paying all my fees, so seeing a doctor or getting the prescriptions was not expensive at all. I am honestly not sure if I went from Lexapro to something else or from Lexapro to Effexor XR. But that is what I was recently taking.

I have mixed feelings about Effexor XR. I worked great almost immediately. I was functioning, going to school, sleeping fine, taking care and playing with my son. But something was missing. I didn't question that too much because everything else was going so well.

I graduated school, got a job with great benefits and continued on with life. All was going great until about March of this year. That is when the panic attacks started. I would be taking a shower and all of a sudden need to sit down because my chest was hurting so bad. Oddly, I knew it was a panic attack and not a heart attack or anything so I took a few deep breaths, got out of the shower and called in sick to work. The panic attack was still happening, but I was ok. I didn't go back to work for 2 months.

During that time, I went back to the doctor who wanted me to see a psychiatrist who could help monitor my medications better. I told that doctor that I wasn't sleeping well, I would wake up in the middle of the night for hours at a time, I was constantly tired, didn't really care about ever going back to work, was still having panic attacks/anxiety attacks on a daily basis. The psychiatrist prescribed a series of medications to help with all these different symptoms.

Alpraxolam to help me sleep (Xanax), Trazadone for the panic attacks, Clonazepam for anxiety and finally Mirtazapine for a combination of things that I can't recall. When I first took the Mirtazapine I felt the brain zaps within the first day.

Brain zaps, electrical shocks through out your body, numbness and tingling, dizziness. All with one little pill. It feels like your mind can't stay in sync with what the rest of your body is doing. Reading was difficult, you would move your eyes across the words, your mind would recognize that but your eyes were a millisecond behind. I did a little research on that drug and stopped taking it immediately, after 2 doses.

Eventually, much to the chagrin of my doctor, I stopped taking all the other drugs besides the Effexor. My body felt toxic. I was more unhappy about having to take all these drugs that I was about how I felt without them.

I went back to work and things were ok for about 4 months. During that time I was talking to my psychiatrist about weening off the medications altogether. I don't consider myself a health nut or anything, but there has got to be a better way to live than having to drug yourself to function throughout the day....doesn't there? My doc and I agreed that I would stay on my current dose of 300mg a day for several months then re-examine the situation. If I didn't have any panic attacks and was sleeping ok she would be supportive of my desire to ween off the drugs. This is one issue I have with doctors when it comes to this, they just want to shove a pill down your throat and really don't care if that is what you want or not.

Then the panic attacks came back. I realized the panic attacks were not related to my depression, they were related to my high stress job. I began the long paperwork process to take short term disability leave. This was at the beginning of October.

I felt fine when I wasn't at my job or thinking about my job. Although I financially can't afford it, I quit my job. That is when I realized what issues I truly was going to have with the Effexor.

With my health benefits I was paying $20 a month for the prescription. Without health insurance the cost was above $250 a month. Outrageous!!!! So, again I call my doctor. She called in a prescription for Celexa. I was to take 1/2 a 40 mg tablet at bedtime for 3 days, then a full one. I had just taken my last dose of Effexor and was going to begin taking the Celexa that night.

This was last Monday, Nov 3rd. On the morning of the 4th I was fine. I took my son to school (he is now in 6th grade in middle school), I voted, I had a job interview and everything was fine. Until about 2pm. At that point I was 3 hours past the time I normally took the Effexor.

The brain zaps were back and worse than ever. I couldn't stand for very long, I wanted to sleep. I thought it was the Celexa, it was the new thing in the situation. I only took 2 - 1/2 doses of that before I stopped taking anti-depressants altogether.

I have not had any anti-depressants since 11pm on Tuesday Nov 4. Last week was difficult. The numbness and tingling were horrible. I was having nightmares, my hands would be freezing while my feet would be sweating. I couldn't believe that those 2 small doses of Celexa did that to me.

At the time my internet wasn't working, but I managed to send an email to a girlfriend about how I was feeling. My girlfriend, who believes there is a better way to live without drugging yourself, did some research for me. It wasn't the Celexa side effects I have been feeling, it was the withdrawals from the Effexor.